Just Another Sunday

I wanted to write more on earlier's topic, but I"m just not sure I can do that right now.  I need to be in a better state of mind.  Well, awake.  So instead I'll just recap the weekend for now.

Thursday night was Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Went rather well.  Spoke with Josephine's teacher first.  Mrs. Rena had nothing but good things to say.  She said that Josie is always willing to participate in class.  She's very responsible and respectful.  She gets along great with the other kids.  She seems to like everyone and doesn't just linger around one group.  It was great to hear all these things.  I don't know about you other parents, but I always fear my 5 year old is going to have a bad review.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think Josie is a bad kid.  But I just held my breath waiting for something.  So, I'm very happy about it.

Tori's went well also.  Nothing to really discuss there.  Her teacher kept is short and to the point--Tori is a super student.  Oh she also told us to get her some multiplication flash cards.

Nothing major on Friday happened.  James had the day off work, and the kids had the day off school.  So, everyone was home.  Kids spent most the day outside playing.  James was able to sleep in (girls had a friend stay the night so I got up early to deal with them).  Around 11:30am I laid down for a nap.  Well was supposed to be a nap.  Didn't wake up until 4:30pm.  Couldn't believe I slept so long.  After that we went grocery shopping.  Spent a very hectic hour making dinner and wrangling kids.  And I honestly don't remember anything after that.

Saturday was Miles & Emmit's birthday.  I'm a terrible mom.  We didn't celebrate it at all.  Not even a cake.  No muffins, or pancakes to stick a candle too.  No presents.  Nothing.  I did sing to them.  But that's it.  They don't know what a birthday means yet.  And when I was singing Happy Birthday, well they just giggled because it was a fun song.  I think tomorrow I'll make muffins and pretend it's cake.  Take some pictures and 10 years later they'll never know the difference.

Today nothing really happened.  Spent a good portion of the day in bed.  Back was just way too stiff with pain to sit up.  Watched the movie I told you about earlier (To Save a Life).  Went to the mailbox.  Turned out good.  Four youngest kids were bathed and put to bed.  James and I watched a couple episodes of Vampire Diaries.  And here I am now.

James just got out of the shower.  I'm pretty sure he's hoping for some sex.  Sorry but this momma ain't in the mood.  Which means we'll have a few minutes of awkward groping before he decides to give up and go to bed.

Think I'll set all my alarms and get ready for bed.  Which means playing around on my DS for a bit and then passing out in about an hour.

Good night.

Signed,
Super Mom

Dear God

There is a lot of suffering in the world.  People that feel alone.  People who are in pain.  And it's not fair.  We all ask the same question--God, why me?  I ask God that question a lot.  I never think of what the answer could be.  I never think of what things would be like if it wasn't me.

I just watched a very inspirational movie.  It's called To Save a Life. And it really got me thinking about all my "why me" questions.  So I want to share it with who ever might be reading this.  Maybe it will help someone.  Maybe it won't.  But it's worth sharing.

1.  Dear God, why did I have to be sexually abused?--

This was something I asked about everyday.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve such a terrible thing?  Why would God let such a terrible thing happen to an innocent little girl.  I'll be honest, it's been a while since I dwelled on this one.  I have for the most part, moved past it.  Thinking about it today though, I'm glad it was me.  No, it wasn't something I enjoyed.  No, I didn't want it to happen.  But what if my father hadn't chose me?  I had two sisters, younger then me.  Had he not chose me, it would have been one of them.  Or maybe both.  And because they were so much younger then me, he might have been able to do much worse to them then what he did to me.

I am very thankful he never got the chance to touch them.  So, while I wish it would have never happened, I'm glad it was me and not my sisters.  It has made me a stronger person.  I have learned from the experience.  I don't want my children to ever suffer what I did.  I don't want any child to suffer that.  So today, I listen better to children.  I keep my eyes and ears open to the signs.  I ask questions, I offer help.  I offer myself to kids.  I give them trust and hope.

2.  Dear God, why did I have to beaten on?

This is a little similar to the first one.  Only I didn't have my two younger sisters at the time.  It was just me and my older brother.  Honestly, I'm not sure what could have happened if my birth mother never beat on me.  I doubt she would have gone after my older brother.  But she may have found other ways to hurt me.  Maybe not physically.  Maybe she would have done more harm to herself.  I don't know.  But today as an adult, I again stronger because of this.  I really do believe it is the reason I have such compassion for others. Part of the reason I am always wanting to reach out and help others.

I have so many other Dear Gods.  I could go on forever.  But, those are the two I revisit the most.  I'm always telling people that for every negative, there is a positive.  It's not always easy to see it that way though.  How can you find the positive in the death of a loved one?  How can you find a positive in living your life in constant pain?  It really can be difficult to understand a positive from such terrible things.

I live life in pain.  It sucks.  I wish I didn't have to deal with it.  But my positive is this--I am living life.  I still wake up each morning.  I get to watch my children grow up.  Do I get to  be the cool mom?  No.  But that's ok.  I do get to be here for my kids.  While I may not be able to take them to the mall, or the park, I do get to see them everyday.  I get to tuck them in at night.  There are so many things I still get to do.  I can't live each day feeling sorry for myself.

Without the pain and misery, there would be no compassion.  Pain is where we learn it from.  You don't have to feel the pain yourself.  I don't just feel my pain.  I feel the pain of others.  I have friends who suffer more then I do.  And if it was possible, I would gladly take on their pain for them.  It would lower my ability to live life, but it would someone else have the chance.

I have so much more on this I want to say.  And I will be back later to write more.  But, it's 3pm and I need to get a start on dinner.

Look around you.  Make a difference.  Don't wait for something big to jump out at you.  Talk to the loner at work.  Offer someone part of your lunch.  Just give a stranger a kind smile.  God doesn't expect us to take on the world.  He expects us to do what we can.  To not hold ourselves back.  Get out there.  What are you waiting for?

Signed,

Super Mom

Barely Hanging On

My days and nights seem to blur together anymore.  My back pain is just getting worse.  Seems that surgery I had back in May was nearly a waste.  Sure, it got rid of my leg pain.  However, my back pain is even worse now then before the surgery.

Last night and this morning was terrible.  I'm not sure what time it was, but I woke during the night and screamed.  I had a very intense spasm of pain shoot down my back.  It felt like someone took a searing hot poker to me.  The very intense part only last about 30 seconds, but the left over pain last until I passed out.  Then Laney (our dog) woke me up at 5:30am.  Wish she hadn't.  Made me realize how bad I was hurting.  My body was stiff with pain.  So I had to waddle my way to the kitchen for some water to take pain meds.  Which was difficult because we had no water yesterday or today.

My pain levels got a little better around 10am.  Then again, having no running water, I didn't have any cleaning to do (well, none that I could do without water).  Of course right around that time the twins became turds.  I had to keep chasing them around the house.  Put new diapers on because they kept stripping.  Cleaning up their mess from peeing all over the place.  Oh and the walk around the neighborhood to find the park manager to discuss the water issue.

Come 1pm, I was hurtin' bad all over again.  Thankfully that's when the boys were taking their nap and I was able to crawl into bed.  Brandyn was nice and said he'd keep an ear out on them for me.  Normally I nap on the couch.  But my back was hurting too much for that.  They woke up before my alarm went off (2 hours later) but Brandyn let me get that extra sleep.  He said it was only another 10 minutes before my alarm would go off anyway, so he didn't mind.  That was great.

Evening went by quickly.  We had sandwiches for dinner since there is no water to cook with now.  After that I spoke with some parents, gave Josie a wet wipe bath (gross!) and then did the same to the twins.  Once everyone was settled for bed, I did the same, crawled into my bed.

That's pretty much it.  I hope I wake up to my alarms.  Today I didn't hear them until 6:56am.  One alarm is set for 6:15, the other for 6:45.  One is next to my head (1st alarm) and the other across the room (so I won't be tempted to crawl back in bed).  Still I slept through them.  I do have a 3rd alarm, on my cell.  It's set for 7am.  If I reach that one then I have to rush out of bed.  The girls can't be up any later then 7am or we're late getting out the door.

Ok ok, I'm done.  Going to check WUAH one last time and crash.

Signed,
Super Mom

No One Knows

It's 9am.  I want to climb back in bed.  My back pain is really getting to me today.  I don't have any fancy or fun ways to describe it.  It just hurts.  A lot.

No one understands how much pain I live in.  My husband can't even understand.  He doesn't get why I'm always so exhausted.  I keep busy all day long.  Even on my bad days.

Today is one of my awful bad days.  I can't do it today.  I'm not doing any cleaning.  Lots needs to be done.  But I just can't do it.

Ok, I can't think of anything else to say.  James is gone hunting right now.  Boys are digging in stuff.

Signed,
Super Mom

Who's the Bully?

I am way beyond a supporter of Anti-bullying.

Actually, in a way I'm probably a bully myself.  I'll admit that.  Like when I stand at the (school) bus stop every morning and make the older kids wait for the younger ones before boarding the bus.  So, if doing something like that makes me a bully, well, someone has to protect the kids.

Josie is being bullied.  It's not *too* serious yet.  Right now kids are making fun of her, calling her names and digging in her book bag.  But no one is doing anything about it.  I called the school, but apparently they are too busy to deal with something so "minimal that is only occurring on the bus".

Spoke with her bus driver this afternoon.  That seemed pointless.  His only response was "maybe she should just stay away from the bigger kids" and that she should "just sit closer to the front".  Are you fucking kidding me??  I realize there isn't too much he can do.  But he can still do *something*.  Keep an eye on things.  Offer to talk with the other kids.  Report it to the school.  Make sure Josie has a seat available away from the older kids.  Ugh!

Her school is not going to like me.  Today Josie came home crying about it.  She told me that some kids ripped her homework and kept calling her names.  They better stop this soon.  If not, they'll soon see just what Momma Bear can be like.  It's not right that kids 13-15 years old are bullying a 5 year old.

Time to make a plan.

Signed,
Super Mom

Another Cold One, Please!

No hesitation on sharing the snot-cicles.  Can't believe just last week it was in the 80's.  And this week has been miserable!  Today reached a grand high of 46.  So not right.  I have to walk in that everyday!

The day started rather hectic.  Josie managed to pee her pants again.  I'm not sure what is up with that girl.  But it's pissing me off.  She's 5 years old, and is well potty trained.  So, had to fix that problem.  Then I realized we didn't do her homework last night.  My own fault there for not making her.  But again, on came a storm.  She did some screaming, threw a few things around, but eventually finished it.

Then the freezing walk to the bus stop.

Then the walk home.

Day was pretty normal.  Chanced the twins.  They took off their diapers.  Peed on the walls, pooped on the floors (yes, the twins haha).  Usual daily stuff.

It's now after 6pm and I'm being lazy.  Making James cook dinner.  I'm tired of cooking and doing dishes.  Why do people think Mom's should do it all?  Stay at home parents are more busy then people work out of the home.  We don't get breaks.  And should I dare to enjoy a cup of coffee in silence, I'm just punishing myself.  Something is bound to go wrong before the first sip.

I need a serious vacation.  I'm thinking I'll run away to the Amazons.  Anyone want to tag along?  I'm pretty sure I could hide from the kids for several days there.  The husband might find me within a couple days if I'm not careful.

Signed
Super Mom

Oh So Tired

I don't think there is enough coffee in the world to wake me up today.  I hard got any sleep last night.  Partly my own fault.  Stayed up chatting online with a friend until 1am.  Doesn't help I was mostly awake waiting for pain medicine to kick in enough to allow me some comfort.

Not like sleep arrived once the lights were out.  My entire body was exhausted but my mind wouldn't shut down.  It's like popcorn kernels.  Starts off with one small thought, then slowly over time more and more start coming up.  Before you know it, you don't remember which thought started the vicious circle and it just keeps going.

No clue what time I fell asleep.  Was after 2am though.  Then my husband decides somewhere around 4:30am, he wants sex.  I didn't give him any.  I was in a way bitchy mood.  He just kept groping and I just kept wanting to murder him.  I didn't make his advances easy either.  Nor did I let on that I was awake.  I'd have a leg crossed this way and he'd keep trying to nudge it over with his.  I just laid there totally stiff.  I was so not in the mood for sex.  Last thing on my mind lately.  I just wanted SLEEP!

And he thought it would be fun to keep this up for the next 40 minutes.  It's like uh, hello?  If nothing happened in the first 10 minutes, go jerk yourself off already.  I don't get that about him.  He seems to think if he gropes and fondles me for hours on end I'll eventually "roll over" and explain "oh yes F*ck me now!".  Sorry babe, never happens that way.  Never has.  Why would you think years later, after trying that trick nearly every night, that it would suddenly have a good outcome?

So of course I'm sure he went to work in a pissy mood.  Will probably be in one when he gets home.  Do I care?  Hell no I don't.  His own fault for being so retarded.  Oh and I just love when he turns on some porn. As if it'll get me all hot and horny.  Maybe I'm supposed to see it's on and react as "oh my husband is saying he wants sex.  I must uphold my wife roles and give him what he wants.".  Yeah right.  Not this woman.

Oh well.  I'm never going to have my perfect night of sleep.  At least I managed a short nap.  Was a little over an hour long.  Would have loved it more if it was closer 3-4 hours long.

Ok need to go create my WIC list.  I love taking advantage of that.  Who doesn't love free milk?  That shit is nearly $5 for a single gallon.

Signed,
Super Mom

Not Going to Bother

Anyone that knows me, knows that blogging is not my thing.  But here I am, 4 months after my last post.

This Super Mom just can't keep up.

Twins are getting big.  Why do we say that?  Are they going to be smaller today then they were a year ago??  So let's rephrase--Twins are growing well and on target.

Josie is still a spoiled brat.  Doubt that will ever change.  She's going to give some man hell when she's older  and married.  We've had some improvements with her eating habits.  She'll now wrinkle her nose at honey peanut butter, but quickly lick the spoon clean when you're not looking.  Just last night she discovered her love for chewing up Tinkerbelle.  Gummi vitamins people.

Have you seen Tinkerbelle??  Too much glitter for my taste.  Here let me serve it up---Who ordered the fairy plate?  It's composed of wild tree leaves topped with glitter.

No thanks.

Speaking of miniature appetizers.  I've changed birth controls.  Why is it called that?  You're not preventing birth.  Nothing in there to birth.  Just call it Hormonal Balance Enhancer.  No no no.  Pregnancy Control.  Hmm...pregnancy preventer?  Ok ok.  I started taking Seasonique.  I'm doing ok with it so far.

Stupid bitch Aunt Flo is keeping her distance.  Tired of cleaning up her damn messes.  She's certainly helping to keep the tampon companies in business that's for certain.

Ok not getting anything done.  My prescribed mood enhancer is kicking in.  And I feel like eating some fruit loops.

Until next time--
Super Mom