I just watched a very inspirational movie. It's called To Save a Life. And it really got me thinking about all my "why me" questions. So I want to share it with who ever might be reading this. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe it won't. But it's worth sharing.
1. Dear God, why did I have to be sexually abused?--
This was something I asked about everyday. Why me? What did I do to deserve such a terrible thing? Why would God let such a terrible thing happen to an innocent little girl. I'll be honest, it's been a while since I dwelled on this one. I have for the most part, moved past it. Thinking about it today though, I'm glad it was me. No, it wasn't something I enjoyed. No, I didn't want it to happen. But what if my father hadn't chose me? I had two sisters, younger then me. Had he not chose me, it would have been one of them. Or maybe both. And because they were so much younger then me, he might have been able to do much worse to them then what he did to me.
I am very thankful he never got the chance to touch them. So, while I wish it would have never happened, I'm glad it was me and not my sisters. It has made me a stronger person. I have learned from the experience. I don't want my children to ever suffer what I did. I don't want any child to suffer that. So today, I listen better to children. I keep my eyes and ears open to the signs. I ask questions, I offer help. I offer myself to kids. I give them trust and hope.
2. Dear God, why did I have to beaten on?
This is a little similar to the first one. Only I didn't have my two younger sisters at the time. It was just me and my older brother. Honestly, I'm not sure what could have happened if my birth mother never beat on me. I doubt she would have gone after my older brother. But she may have found other ways to hurt me. Maybe not physically. Maybe she would have done more harm to herself. I don't know. But today as an adult, I again stronger because of this. I really do believe it is the reason I have such compassion for others. Part of the reason I am always wanting to reach out and help others.
I have so many other Dear Gods. I could go on forever. But, those are the two I revisit the most. I'm always telling people that for every negative, there is a positive. It's not always easy to see it that way though. How can you find the positive in the death of a loved one? How can you find a positive in living your life in constant pain? It really can be difficult to understand a positive from such terrible things.
I live life in pain. It sucks. I wish I didn't have to deal with it. But my positive is this--I am living life. I still wake up each morning. I get to watch my children grow up. Do I get to be the cool mom? No. But that's ok. I do get to be here for my kids. While I may not be able to take them to the mall, or the park, I do get to see them everyday. I get to tuck them in at night. There are so many things I still get to do. I can't live each day feeling sorry for myself.
Without the pain and misery, there would be no compassion. Pain is where we learn it from. You don't have to feel the pain yourself. I don't just feel my pain. I feel the pain of others. I have friends who suffer more then I do. And if it was possible, I would gladly take on their pain for them. It would lower my ability to live life, but it would someone else have the chance.
I have so much more on this I want to say. And I will be back later to write more. But, it's 3pm and I need to get a start on dinner.
Look around you. Make a difference. Don't wait for something big to jump out at you. Talk to the loner at work. Offer someone part of your lunch. Just give a stranger a kind smile. God doesn't expect us to take on the world. He expects us to do what we can. To not hold ourselves back. Get out there. What are you waiting for?
Signed,
Super Mom
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