You Won't Understand

No one will understand.  And I don't think I can explain it enough for you.

Yesterday (Friday) I took a pregnancy test.  No, we weren't trying.  Yes, I'm taking birth control, and religiously at that.  But, I had a reason to believe that I was either pregnant or I had ovulated.  It came back with a "maybe".  It was one of those "1 line means no, 2 lines means yes".  The control line was dark and no doubt there.  However, the result window, the one that determined your results, was faint.  There was a line, but it was very faint.  So, I thought, OK I'm pregnant.

As the night progressed I slowly allowed myself to get excited.  After all, James was teasing me about it.  Which was even better, since he really doesn't want anymore children.

And then, I took a test this afternoon.  A digital test so there is no doubt.  And it came back "not pregnant".  I instantly began crying.  I actually DID want to be pregnant.  I can't believe I allowed myself to fall for it.  I allowed myself to get excited about something that I knew most likely meant no.  I should have known better.  After all, I did at one point spend 2 years of putting myself through that.  Only difference is at the time I was trying.

This is hitting me hard.  James doesn't want more.  The only way I'll have more is if the birth control fails.  As I thought it did this time.  I can understand his reasoning.  He'll be 40 years old in a couple months.  That's hard for both of us.  I'll be 27 in July.  Such a huge age gap between us when it comes to have babies.  He keeps telling me he's just going to get fixed.  After today, I'm tempted to tell him to shut up and do it already.  I'm so done with this.  I'm tired of getting slightly excited only to find out the test was a fail.

Oh well.  So goes life.

Signed,
Super Mom