Crazy Scary Dream

So I thought that if I made last night's post that I would sleep easy, sleep good.  But nope, I think it just made for worse dreaming.  I had yet another dream of being pregnant.  Only this time, I was having a boy and James left me.

It was so darn scary.  The hospital was even creepy.  The doctors were friendly.  But the place itself wasn't.  It wasn't well constructed.  There was some sort of storm in my dream.  And it didn't happen until after I was in labor and at the hospital.  All the windows in the hospital kept shattering.  Didn't matter what room I ran too, the windows just fell apart.

In my dream, James and I had some sort of fight.  I don't remember what about, but he left me.  So I was alone when I went to have the baby.  And once I did have the baby, I couldn't name him.  For the life of me, I could not settle on a boy's name that I liked.  I loved the baby in my dream, I just couldn't give him a name.

It was just weird.  I think it was a mix of my post last night and the movie I watched haha (The Back-Up Plan).  Either way, I don't want to go through that again.  Honestly, the worst part of it was James' leaving me and wanting nothing to do with me or our new  baby.

Ok, got that out of my system.

Signed,
Super Mom

Just Commit Me

I've seriously gone crazy.  It's time to call in the help.  There's a crazy on the loose...

I want another baby.  Not just a general want.  I REALLY want another baby.  It's hard to explain.  It's not one of those "ooh I want babies" crazy woman things.  I just feel my family isn't completely until I've had one last baby.  I know that's all I want.  Is just one more.  When I had Josie, I knew I wanted more children, but wasn't really sure how many more.  After I had the twins, I knew for sure, I wanted one more.  For the past 2 years, I've known this.  That I want to have one last baby.

For the past month, this feeling has been hitting me even harder.  I don't know why.  I'm just crazy.  Lord knows I can't handle another.  I mean mentally yes I can.  But could my back stand up to it?

This feeling gets even crazier.  I've already picked out a name for a girl.  Guess I'm really hoping for one.  Just for the sake of sharing, the name that is sticking with me hard is Avalee Fayth.  Her first name would be pronounced Ava-Lee (so long A sound at the start, not short A).  And it sure as heck doesn't help that I keep having baby dreams!!  I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant.  I've even had a few dreams that I was in labor, dreams that I had the baby (and not all of those dreams were fun).  I've had both good dreams of babies, and bad scary dreams.

Maybe the feeling is just hitting me so hard because I'm getting older.  I do know, or rather I have decided, that if I'm not at least pregnant by the time I turn 30, I'm done.  I don't want to be in my 40's and have an infant.  My biological family doesn't age well.  So if family genes continue, I will with out a doubt look like my child's grandmother.  Don't want that.

James knows I want another baby, but isn't ready to really acknowledge it.  And I'm not ready to push the issue.  I figure first, get the twins potty trained (another topic to discuss later).  Having two babies right now has him (ok me too) just a tad stressed.  Plus the cost of diapers.  I don't want three babies at once in diapers.  He'll come around to it eventually.  I hope.  I will NOT pressure him into having another baby.  As much as I want one more, I refuse to be one of those women.  James is one of those guys sadly.  If I told him I really wanted one, he'd do it.  Just because that's what I wanted and he wants to keep me happy.  I won't pressure him.  I want him to want a baby also.

Ok, think I'll get off my rant now.  I know I'm crazy.  I know I need help.

Signed,
Super Mom

Something Random

Last night James and I were chatting.  Somehow, we came to the topic of the crazy things we Moms do.  And here's a few we came up with (really is entertaining!)

You know you're a mom when---

1.  You do a little dance every time the UPS drops off a package, usually containing your monthly supply of baby diapers.

2.  You count on the sprinkles on each kids cupcake to make sure it's equal and fair.

3.  You hope ketchup is a vegetable, it's your child's main food.

4.  You lock YOURSELF in a closet, just for a moment of peace.

5.  You see your child is about to vomit, you instantly stick your hand out to catch it.

6.  You sing a lullaby to your husband before tucking him in at night.

7.  You can't decide to be European or American, so you only shave one leg at a time.

8.  You watch an entire episode of Dora the Explorer, play along with her games, and once it's over you realize the kids are sleeping.

9.  You decide to throw a party, invite all your friends, all because your child used the potty.

10.. You count the number of poopy diapers your child has a day.

11.  You sign a check in crayon.

12.  You have your own "101 Ways to Use a Baby Wipe" guide, which does not involve changing a diaper.

13.  Your idea of a spa is taking an uninterrupted shower.

14.  You do the army crawl under the crib at 2am to find a pacifier like your life depends on it.

15.  You are at the store, alone, hear a child call "Mommy" and instantly you look around.


Ok there are more I'm sure.  But these are the ones I can remember use discussing last night.  I thought they were pretty funny and wanted to share.  It's about time I shared something "upbeat" instead of all my downers.

Signed,
Super Mom

So Hungry

The title is true.  I'm so hungry.  Starving.  Yet, nothing I can eat.  Don't get me wrong.  Have cabinets stuffed with food.  Just nothing for me.  I promise I'm not that picky of an eater.  We even have plenty of foods in there that I love.

So what's the problem?  I can't eat it.  My teeth are so screwed up that the act of chewing hurts.  I can't eat anything firm.  Even pasta hurts, but it's doable.  Problem is, I'm out of the foods I can eat.  Which are limited--mac n cheese, ramen noodles and oatmeal.  Go figure I've dropped 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks.  I'm starving myself, and certainly not by choice.

I just want to crawl into a hole and never emerge.

I have one single box of mac n cheese left.  Boys will have that for lunch.  If I'm lucky they won't be that hungry and there will be a little left for me.  If not, looks like yet another day of no food for me.

Signed,
Super Mom

All About Her

I want to take a moment to brag about Tori.  I realize I don't speak of her often.  I took this photo of her tonight, and it just blows me away.  She's growing into a beautiful girl.  I can't believe that she'll be 10 years old next month!

Tori is very smart.  I know, parents always say this about their children.  My saying it doesn't mean much.  But I mean it.  When we got her test results back from last year (think it was MAP tests, don't remember for sure off hand), it showed that she was way above average in every category.  She's in the 4th grade and is reading 7th grade level.

Speaking of her reading skills, I had to fight with the school over that one.  Last year Tori really wanted to read the Harry Potter series.  However, the school refused to let her check them out because they are considered 6th grade reading level (and Tori was a 3rd grader).  I explained that it wasn't above her reading skills.  At the time, she was reading The Chronicles of Narnia at home.  Personally, I think that book is much more advanced then HP.  And, she had no problems reading it.  She's a very avid reader.  I like to think part of that is because of me.  When she was younger (before school), I was always reading to her.  The year I homeschooled Brandyn, I also worked with her.  Nothing major, focus was mostly on reading.  Never forced it on her though.  If she didn't want to do it, we didn't.  But, 9 out of 10 times she was happy to read (or be read too).  Once she started school and had access to a variety of books, she just took off from there.

Back to the fight with the school.  It started back in March 2011, carried through summer school too.  Finally at the beginning of this school year they decided to test her reading skills.  That was when they determined her reading skill is at 7.5.  Which means 7th grade level and possibly a few select from the 8th grade level.  I received this test score and a full apology from some of the school staff.  I had it framed for a while.

Tori is very outgoing in everything she does.  I just can't say enough about her.  I have a feeling I'll get all scattered.  On top of her love for reading, she also enjoys writing and drawing.  The other night (ok sometime last week) we pulled out her old journals.  The ones from school and home.  I counted over 50 of them.  Each page was filled with writing and pictures.  They were started in 1st grade.  Every entry had it's own drawing.  And each entry was different.  One day she would write about something that happened, the next it would be a made up story.  Always unpredictable, but always fun to read.

Oh she's also a girly girl and a tomboy at the same time.  She's the girl you can find outside in a pretty dress, hair fixed up and stomping in a mud puddle throwing worms (I've learned how to get them mud stains out, took lots of trial and error with the way she plays).  I'm glad she loves to be a girl, yet isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.  I seen a picture of her today at the school that was just awesome.  She was holding an alligator (or maybe it was a crocodile, I didn't study the picture hard enough to check which one it was).  She had a huge grin on her face.

Ok I could keep going on, but I'll stop for now.  Not feeling good tonight.  But I wanted to take a moment to brag on Tori.  I'm going to search through my emails.  I have one somewhere with a coupon for free photo prints.  I want to have this one printed on  quality paper and framed! (yes I realize there are distractions in the background, but it isn't too bad really.  And I love this picture of her--she's actually smiling!).

Signed,

Super Mom

Rush Time

Well, it's snowing out there.  Really wish we still had the van (even though it was crappy and couldn't go anywhere with it).  All the kids had to walk to the bus stop in the snow.  Kinda sucks.  It's going to really suck when it temperature starts to really drop.  There was someone last year that would give Tori a ride.  However, this year there are 5 kids walking out my door.  Between his 3 kids, his wife and Stephanie (girl that used to walk with us in the mornings until it became colder)--there's just no room.  And this is one of those "all or none" moments.

The girls have their Christmas program tonight.  Neither have a dress to wear.  I'll have to make up for that in hair.  I've already decided to give them both a waterfall french braid and then add some curls.  The program starts at 7pm, but won't end until around 8pm or later.  It's kindergarten through 6th grade performing tonight.  Might even have preschool in there too, not sure offhand. 

Thanks to a friend, I made Josie a fun lunch today.  I made her a Nutella Sandwich--and used a star cookie cutter.  So she gets to eat star sandwiches for lunch!  Then I opened up a block of cheese and cut a piece off the whole thing.  From that I managed managed 3 butterflies and a giraffe (thank you Playdough for your dough cutters haha).  I stacked them inside a sandwich holder (does that make sense? One of those plastic storage containers designed for sandwiches).  And then I stuck in 2 paper muffin cups--one was filled with grapes, the other had chocolate goldfish crackers.  She seemed excited about it.

I am determined to re-read a book today.  Meaning, I've read it before but I want to read it again.  It's call "Look Up For Yes" by Julia Tavalaro and Richard Tayson.  I don't remember all the details of the story, but I remember enough to know it was a book worth reading again.  It's about Julia (yes the author).  For some reason she had gone into a coma (one of the facts I can't remember--why she was in the coma).  Years later she awakes to realize she's paralyzed.  She spends more years trapped in her own body, where the staff at the hospital treat her like crap.  No one realizes that while her body is "dead", her mind is still there.  She knows what is going on, but is unable to speak.  And then finally someone notices this about her and helps her communicate.  It's a heartbreaking story with a good ending.  I highly recommend it to others.

That's about all I have for now.  Need to do some cleaning.  And apparently Miles seems to think he needs a new diaper haha.

Signed,

Super Mom

So Disappointed

Yesterday was pretty good.  So much so that Josie and I did some baking.  We haven't done that in a long time.  I'm usually just too tired or sore to stand that long.  But yesterday I made an effort.  We started with sugar cookies.  I'll admit it, we cheated.  I had a roll of cookie dough in the fridge.  I let her cut it and place it on the pan.  And then she decorated with sugar sprinkles.  It was loads of fun.  Lots of giggles.

They turned out pretty good.  Well, they should have considering it was premade dough haha.  But hey, I've been known to mess up something you can't mess up.  They were a little thin.  she didn't want to roll the dough into balls.  So since they were only about 1/2 inch thick when sliced, they were pretty thin when they finished baking.  But that's ok.  We both enjoyed some.  For some reason the twins didn't want any.

Once the twins were down for a nap and lunch was finished, we moved on to a pumpkin pie.  I had everything we needed for it left over from Thanksgiving.  And Josie has decided she likes pumpkin pie (Thanks to her kindergarten teacher).  I wanted apple pie, but since Josie said she wanted a pie she liked, that's what we went with, her pie.  And I let her do all the work.  Well, almost all.  I had to open the cans for her.  But she cracked the eggs, did all the mixing.  She even preheat the oven!  I had to put it in the oven though, didn't want to risk her dropping the pie, or worse, getting burned by the stove.

I am sad to say, I have no clue how the pie turned out.  This is where the title of the blog comes in.  No one had the chance to try the pie.  She stayed the night at a friend's house, so we didn't slice into it.  And I left the pie on the stove, back burner.  But Laney, our stupid dog, found a way to climb onto the stove and destroy our pie.  I woke up to find crust and smeared pie filling on the floor.  Josie is still at her friend's house, so she has no clue this has happened.  But she's going to be so disappointed when she finds out.  That stupid dog ruins everything.

I need to find a way to raise money to purchase a kennel for her.  I wanted so bad to not crate her up at night, but now it's either that or find her a new home.  Every night she manages to dig into the trash, or climb on the counters.  I don't get it.  She gets plenty to eat, I'm not starving her.  Just ugh I'm getting so tired of this crap!

Ok going to end this rant.  Hopefully Josie doesn't get too upset about the pie.  Not sure I have enough cash left to pie a new one (or the ingredients for one).

Signed,
Super Mom

Hey Hey It's Morning

Nothing new over here.  I'm still recovering from my hospital stay a few days ago.  Which means nothing is getting done.  My house is a total and complete war zone.  It's hard to walk around cleaning when I start feeling exhausted and dizzy after 10 minutes of standing.  So I think today I'll try to just focus on laundry.  Kids have an early out, which means I'll make Tori help me with the house cleaning.  It's her chore to straighten up the living room and clean the kitchen counters.  So that'll help me a lot.

I'm somehow managing to get behind on bills.  Not bad.  And it's just the lot rent.  I need to call the park manager and let her know what's up.  Going to pay at least part today and let her know the rest will come on the 9th.  So it's not too bad.  Not like I'm going to forever stay a month behind.  Just a week short of paying the whole month at once.  This happens every year.  Do great all year round then December hits and I'm sitting here going "which bill do I skip for now?".  No matter what I have left in the bank though, I always pay at least part of the bill.  If I can't pay it in whole, then I aim for at least half.  This way it doesn't keep stacking so high that I can never get caught up.  And it allows whatever company it is to know that hey at least I'm trying.  Or rather I'm hoping that's what they'll see.  Such as if they were to shut off the internet I'm hoping I can say "if you look I've kept up every month until now and I did make a partial payment".  It's worked in the past.

I really should be napping right now.  Kids are gone to school.  Twins are sleeping.  All week they've slept until somewhere between 8am and nearly 9am.  It's now 7:45am.  But nope instead I'm sitting here just rambling away.  Afraid to lay down now.  I fight with myself.  What if they wake up in the next 15 minutes?  But then I counter with what if they don't wake up for another hour.  I hate to get all comfortable only to have to get back up so soon.  So I don't want to risk getting situated, start dozing off and then the boys wake up.  I'll just end up in a bitchy mood.

I managed a load of dishes this morning.  That's when you know the house is bad.  If I'm doing dishes before 7am (heck before noon for that matter).  I had intended on taking a shower after the kids left.  But instead I did dishes.  Kinda needed too.  No clean bowls or spoons left.  Plus the pots were taking up a lot of space.  I was relieve to see there weren't a ton of dishes in the sink.  Having a couple pots stacked can make you think every dish in your cabinets is piled in the sink.  I do still have dirty dishes in there, but don't think it's enough for a full load.  Not that it matters, I'm out of dishwasher soap.  I can't hand wash dishes.  For several reasons.  Standing that long is terrible.  I'd have to scrub them clean, rinse, dry and put away right there.  Otherwise the cats would climb all over my clean dishes (I hate cats on the counters--yuck!).  And that is too much strain on my back.  Plus the brushes I scrub dishes with now are not suitable for wash and eat.  I only use them now because after I scrub (yep with soap) I put them in the dishwasher.  And our sink won't hold water for me to make dishwasher (which again is yuck!).  It grosses me out to think of piling dishes into dishwater and then eat from them afterwards.  But that's just me.  I can't do it.  My mom does, and that's fine.  But I can't do it with my own dishes (haha).

I really hate laundry.  See, now I'm just procrastinating.  I don't really have anything else to discuss.  But I'm trying to avoid the 4 baskets of laundry that need to be sorted, folded and put away.  I'm so going to be lazy with this.  Tori and James can fold their own stuff.  So I'm just going to toss their clothes on their beds haha.  What's going to slow me down is Miles & Emmit's clothes.  With them still sleeping I won't be able to put them away.  So I'll stack them in a basket and then they'll get buried.

Oh that reminds me.  I just might try getting rid of Josie's dresser.  I'm not sure if I want to or not though.  She's now in her own room, which means she's using the dresser that is in there.  Not the one in her old room (where she was sharing with Tori, but had her own dresser).  It's a decent dresser.  Works fine for one person or a kid.  More so for a kid though.  I'm not even sure it would be the right size for myself, and I don't have a lot of clothes (reminds me, I so need to get rid of some shirts.  One drawer crammed full plus some is just too many for one person!).

Ok ok.  I'm going to call my Momma while I fold laundry.  Maybe that'll help pass the time.

Signed,
Super Mommy

Oh What a Night!

Yesterday was BAD.  I mean to the max terrible.  I ended up in the ER because I seriously thought my body was going to explode.  And of course they just thought I was a drug user.  *sigh*

I woke up with a headache and feeling dizzy yesterday.  That's pretty normal lately.  Usually it goes away after I've been up for about an hour.  But it didn't.  In fact it just kept getting worse.  Around 9:30am I caved and took one of my Tramadol.  Didn't do anything to help.  But, I continued on with my cleaning, just kept it light.  No heavy lifting, didn't do much for bending, etc.

I was cleaning up Josie's room (it's still full of Brandyn's stuff).  That's when I had one of those terrible spasms up my back.  And after that, things went bad.  My headache intensified to a level I've never felt before.  Now let me just say, I've had bad migraines before.  But never anything that felt like that one.  My whole body began to feel weak.  I just wanted to lay on the floor.  I made my way to the bathroom, was going to get a cool washcloth for my head.  And then wanted to scream...

The left side of my face was scary.  It was starting to droop.  My eye was barely open.  Looked like I was frowning on that side of my mouth.  I could still feel my face, but it was not sitting the way it should.  I quickly called my husband.  By this time it was around 11:45am.  Sadly he was in a meeting, but I left a message for him to call me back, it was an emergency.  It only took him another 10 minutes to call me.  And by that point, things went from bad to worse.

I could barely speak.  I could form the words and thoughts in my head.  But it was a struggle to actually say the words.  When I did, I just sounded like a slurring stuttering fool.  I gave up trying to explain what was wrong.  I just told him "home now emergency".  Even that was hard to spit out.  I never felt so terrified in my life.

Thankfully a friend showed up.  She was stopping by to pick up the twins' old playpen, but still it was nice to see her.  I must have looked bad because she started to freak out.  She ushered me to the couch and took a look around my house, asking where Miles was (since Emmit was in the chair).  I stammered out he was in bed and then she looked even more scared.  She started asking me several questions, but did her best to fill in the blanks for me.  Guess she could tell it was a real struggle to talk.

And I can't explain that part.  It was like, every time I tried to say a word, it hurt.  Not my mouth, but my head. The whole thinking process made me want to scream.  I could speak clearly in my head, but the words wouldn't come out my mouth.  Which only made things worse.  Not being able to speak clearly made me want to cry.

Anyway, James made it home.  Sheli offered to stay with the boys while James and I headed to the hospital.  She's never babysat them before, but she has been around them before.  So they all knew each other.  No argument there, we just left.  We arrived at the hospital around 12:40pm.  And I wanted to hurt some people.

Why is it when you go to the ER for pain they think you're a drug user?  The doctor kept asking me what I took.  And I kept repeating--big coffee, donut stick, (1) Tramadol 50mg.  She wasn't believing me though.  Asked if someone maybe slipped me something.  Let me tell ya, it was hard to talk but I did my best to say "well let me ask my 2 year old twin boys, one of them may have slipped me a blueberry or grape into my coffee when I wasn't looking"!  More questions, more stuttering around.  Thank God I had James there.  After a while I made him answer for me.  The more talking I did, the more it hurt.  I also made sure he made it clear that my face doesn't usually droop, I don't normal shake and I'm not a slurring-stuttering freak (no offense to anyone honestly, I only mean this about myself.  I would never make fun of someone with a speech problem).

It was about 2:30pm when they finally started giving me pain meds.  First they gave me Adivant.  Which I know is an anxiety medicine.  They done thought I was a crazy person!  An hour later and no changes.  So they gave me Zolfram (since I was starting to vomit in the room) and morphine.  Things finally started to calm down.  And I finally just caved and fell asleep (I was afraid to sleep.  Afraid I wouldn't wake up again).

By the time I left the pain in my head was sitting at a level 8, but they weren't giving me anymore pain meds.  Not even to take orally.  No script to take home.  Nothing.  I threw up on their floor one more time for good measure lol.  Through all this, they could tell me nothing.  I left with a droopy face, major headache and vomiting.  All while carrying a piece of paper that claimed my problem was "atypical headache".

Reminds me of the time I went into the ER back in June.  Whole body was in pain, I couldn't even move myself.  Vomiting all over, temp was 105.3.  When I left 3 days later (still feeling miserable) the best they could tell me was I *might* have HAD strep throat.

I just love my local Emergency Room.  They take such great care of me...

Signed,
Super Mom

Bawling Like a Baby

I really should stop this crying.  It's only making my headache worse.  But I can't help it.  I'm terrified.  Scared of the pain that is to come.

I'm finally out of all pain medicine.  I worked up enough courage to call the spine surgeon.  What a waste.  I explained my situation and it did no good.

I asked if the doctor could call in a refill for my Ultram.  I explained that they are 1.5 hours away, so making an appointment just for a refill wasn't ideal.  It would cost me $30 in gas, another $35 for the copay and then $10 for the medicine.  I had hoped that since it's been a few months that there wouldn't be any problems.  But I was wrong.  They told me I have to go to a primary care doctor.

There's a couple problems with that.  One being I don't have a primary care doctor.  Not since moving to this town.  Why go to a regular everyday doctor for leg spasms when you know they'll just send you on to a specialist?  And then the past, I've had a hard time with getting a primary care doctor to treat me for something I've been seeing a specialist for.  They always tell me I have to talk to the specialist.  So I just go in circles.

My pain levels don't go below a 6 after pain meds.  I know that isn't too bad.  It's manageable.  And I've suffered through one day of the terrible level 10 pain.  But it was only one day.  How am I going to live everyday stuck on that level?

I think I'm ready to hide now.

Signed,
Super Mom

Just No Winning

So a couple months ago I started a new birth control--Seasonique (well, the generic version).  It had promises of getting my periods under control.  Supposed to just have 4 a year.  I like that idea.  Having endometriosis and PCOS, I want as few periods as possible.

Month one went great.  My period ended the day after taking the first pill.  Which was nice because I was only on day 3 when I started the new birth control.  Oh it was nice to have those terrible cramps and back aches go away (ok still had back pain, but it lessened).

Then came month 2.  Still went great.  In fact, it made me paranoid.  I had to take 3 pregnancy tests.  I'm used to having a period every 2 weeks.  So when it didn't show up I was scared.  Wasn't sure if it was a sign the birth control was working properly or if I some how ended up pregnant.  After those tests I was relieved to see it was just the birth control doing it's job.

And then comes month 3.  I'm hating it.  Day one of the 3rd month I start my period.  And man it hit me hard.  Come on flood gates!  I figure maybe it's just break through bleeding.  But nope it's not.  It's full fledged.  Yesterday was the start of week 3 of my period.  I'll be honest, I did have a 4 day break in there.  But still, it's just not fair!  I'm not supposed to have a period for another 2 weeks from now.

The pain is worse then I remember having it.  Maybe mother nature is making up for the lost month.  Who knows.  But today I had to cave and take the stashed Percocet.  I try so hard to stay away from that stuff.  It helps to take the edge off the pain, but never gets rid of the pain completely.  If I'm taking Percocet, then you know things are bad.

Speaking of pain....

My on going sinus infection is kicking my ass.  It's always there, never leaves.  I've taken antibiotics for it before, but it either didn't clear it up or it just came right back.  I can deal with the stuffiness, the headache and all the other cold like stuff.  But what I can't handle is the tooth and jaw pain that comes with it.  And oddly enough the only thing that HELPS with that pain is some sort of over the counter sinus or cold medicine.  I've been given morphine for it before and it didn't help.  But give me some OTC severe cold meds and it takes the edge off.  Makes no sense to me.

Ok wow.  It has taken me over an hour to write this.  That's bad haha.  Just got too distracted.  Kids running around.  Had to get them tucked in, read stories, get clothes set out blah blah blah.  Then season my pot of ham & beans.  Blah blah blah again.  I'm going to just end this post.  Nothing fun anyway, just rambling about being in pain.  I'll post something else later.  Thinking it'll probably just be me rambling, something I need to do, get out of my system.

Toodles for now!  (too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!)

Signed,
Super Mom

New Symptoms

Oh the joys of having no clue what's wrong with you.  As you know, I'm still having issues with my back.  I'm now getting those terribly painful spasms.  Well, now I noticed that shortly after that happens I get a huge headache and feel very nauseated.  It sucks.

Still haven't called the doctor about it.  But it's not easy to do that.  Making an appointment with him is hard, on my end.  No long waiting list with them.  But when I go to make an appointment I confuse them.  I always have to tell them "I can't do it on these dates, can't do it on this day of the week no matter the date, can't be any earlier then 10am, but no later then 1pm".  Not easy.  It's a 1.5 hour drive to the office.  So I have to wait until after kids have left for school.  If I wanted to be home by the time they get off the bus I have to LEAVE the doctor's office no later then 1:30pm.

Oh and still having issues with my ankle.  It's hard to explain the pain.  If you start at one side of the ankle, go across the front and then stop at the other side (so from ball bone to ball bone), that's where the pain is at.  It's mostly in the center of that general area.  When the pain intensifies it goes UP my leg, the shin, the front.  There is zero pain in the foot anywhere.  Zero pain at the back of the leg/ankle.

I did see a doctor for that.  He told me I have tendonitis.  I'm not sure if I believe that or not.  The ankle pain is actually what caused us to discover that I have a back problem.  So you can image how frustrating it is to go through a promising back surgery only to discover the ankle problem wasn't related (as they thought).

The pain started 2 years ago.  I didn't hit it.  Wasn't injured.  Nothing.  I was putting Miles (oldest and tiniest of the twins--he wasn't even a full month old yet) into bed when the pain hit my ankle so bad I nearly dropped him.  Never had any bruises around.  No rash, or swelling.  Nothing visibly wrong.  When I seen the doctor for my ankle (as mentioned above--the one after the back surgery), I had some high hopes.  But those were dashed.  He was quick to claim it was tendinitis.  That's fine, that wasn't a problem for me.  The problem was that he wants me to do physical therapy.  I just can't.

He wanted 6 months of PT, and to do it 3 times a week.  To start, that's more visits then my insurance will cover.  I'm only allowed 25 visits per year.  And I had already used up 8 visits when doing PT for my back.  So that left 16 visits.  Just a little over a month's worth of ankle PT available.  Well, that isn't the only problem.  The PT for my back cost me way too much.  I don't know how they figured out the price, but for those 8 visits, I owed them $400.  That comes out to be $50 a visit after insurance.  If insurance even covered all the visits.

Now let's do some math here for the 6 months of ankle PT--

One month--4 weeks--3x week--

So..one week of PT--$50(per visit) x 3(visits per week) = $150

Since there's 4 weeks to a month--$150(weekly cost) x 4(weeks in one month) = $600

That's just one month.  For one month of the prescribed ankle PT it would cost me $600!!  Which means to do the entire 6 months, it would cost $3600.  Hell, my back surgery cost less then that ($75).  See why I don't jump to do the PT?  I can't even afford one week worth of it.

He also gave me some other medicine to take in combination.  I did take that daily as prescribed.  It was a different type of NSAID.  You would think if it was just tendonitis, things would be normal by now.  I have it in my knees and those are just fine.

Another thing that's troubling about my ankle is nothing takes the pain away.  Nothing even takes the edge off.  Not even a tiny bit.  I know this because I'm taking pain medicine and muscle relaxers throughout the day for my back.  Right now it's Tramadol on most occasions, sometimes the pain is so bad I take a Percocet.  I don't remember the name of the muscle relaxer.  I want to say it's Flexeril.  Yep it is, just Google searched it to be sure I had the name right.  Anyway...Taking those daily, it does nothing for my ankle.

My ankle hurts more when standing or walking.  I can't balance on that side.  I can't shift all my weight to that ankle (as you do sometimes when standing for long periods, generally people will shift their weight to one side).  I can only shift it to my left side.

Ugh I just want these pains to go away!  Heck, I'd be happy just to know what's causing it.

Signed,
Super Mom

Just Another Sunday

I wanted to write more on earlier's topic, but I"m just not sure I can do that right now.  I need to be in a better state of mind.  Well, awake.  So instead I'll just recap the weekend for now.

Thursday night was Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Went rather well.  Spoke with Josephine's teacher first.  Mrs. Rena had nothing but good things to say.  She said that Josie is always willing to participate in class.  She's very responsible and respectful.  She gets along great with the other kids.  She seems to like everyone and doesn't just linger around one group.  It was great to hear all these things.  I don't know about you other parents, but I always fear my 5 year old is going to have a bad review.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think Josie is a bad kid.  But I just held my breath waiting for something.  So, I'm very happy about it.

Tori's went well also.  Nothing to really discuss there.  Her teacher kept is short and to the point--Tori is a super student.  Oh she also told us to get her some multiplication flash cards.

Nothing major on Friday happened.  James had the day off work, and the kids had the day off school.  So, everyone was home.  Kids spent most the day outside playing.  James was able to sleep in (girls had a friend stay the night so I got up early to deal with them).  Around 11:30am I laid down for a nap.  Well was supposed to be a nap.  Didn't wake up until 4:30pm.  Couldn't believe I slept so long.  After that we went grocery shopping.  Spent a very hectic hour making dinner and wrangling kids.  And I honestly don't remember anything after that.

Saturday was Miles & Emmit's birthday.  I'm a terrible mom.  We didn't celebrate it at all.  Not even a cake.  No muffins, or pancakes to stick a candle too.  No presents.  Nothing.  I did sing to them.  But that's it.  They don't know what a birthday means yet.  And when I was singing Happy Birthday, well they just giggled because it was a fun song.  I think tomorrow I'll make muffins and pretend it's cake.  Take some pictures and 10 years later they'll never know the difference.

Today nothing really happened.  Spent a good portion of the day in bed.  Back was just way too stiff with pain to sit up.  Watched the movie I told you about earlier (To Save a Life).  Went to the mailbox.  Turned out good.  Four youngest kids were bathed and put to bed.  James and I watched a couple episodes of Vampire Diaries.  And here I am now.

James just got out of the shower.  I'm pretty sure he's hoping for some sex.  Sorry but this momma ain't in the mood.  Which means we'll have a few minutes of awkward groping before he decides to give up and go to bed.

Think I'll set all my alarms and get ready for bed.  Which means playing around on my DS for a bit and then passing out in about an hour.

Good night.

Signed,
Super Mom

Dear God

There is a lot of suffering in the world.  People that feel alone.  People who are in pain.  And it's not fair.  We all ask the same question--God, why me?  I ask God that question a lot.  I never think of what the answer could be.  I never think of what things would be like if it wasn't me.

I just watched a very inspirational movie.  It's called To Save a Life. And it really got me thinking about all my "why me" questions.  So I want to share it with who ever might be reading this.  Maybe it will help someone.  Maybe it won't.  But it's worth sharing.

1.  Dear God, why did I have to be sexually abused?--

This was something I asked about everyday.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve such a terrible thing?  Why would God let such a terrible thing happen to an innocent little girl.  I'll be honest, it's been a while since I dwelled on this one.  I have for the most part, moved past it.  Thinking about it today though, I'm glad it was me.  No, it wasn't something I enjoyed.  No, I didn't want it to happen.  But what if my father hadn't chose me?  I had two sisters, younger then me.  Had he not chose me, it would have been one of them.  Or maybe both.  And because they were so much younger then me, he might have been able to do much worse to them then what he did to me.

I am very thankful he never got the chance to touch them.  So, while I wish it would have never happened, I'm glad it was me and not my sisters.  It has made me a stronger person.  I have learned from the experience.  I don't want my children to ever suffer what I did.  I don't want any child to suffer that.  So today, I listen better to children.  I keep my eyes and ears open to the signs.  I ask questions, I offer help.  I offer myself to kids.  I give them trust and hope.

2.  Dear God, why did I have to beaten on?

This is a little similar to the first one.  Only I didn't have my two younger sisters at the time.  It was just me and my older brother.  Honestly, I'm not sure what could have happened if my birth mother never beat on me.  I doubt she would have gone after my older brother.  But she may have found other ways to hurt me.  Maybe not physically.  Maybe she would have done more harm to herself.  I don't know.  But today as an adult, I again stronger because of this.  I really do believe it is the reason I have such compassion for others. Part of the reason I am always wanting to reach out and help others.

I have so many other Dear Gods.  I could go on forever.  But, those are the two I revisit the most.  I'm always telling people that for every negative, there is a positive.  It's not always easy to see it that way though.  How can you find the positive in the death of a loved one?  How can you find a positive in living your life in constant pain?  It really can be difficult to understand a positive from such terrible things.

I live life in pain.  It sucks.  I wish I didn't have to deal with it.  But my positive is this--I am living life.  I still wake up each morning.  I get to watch my children grow up.  Do I get to  be the cool mom?  No.  But that's ok.  I do get to be here for my kids.  While I may not be able to take them to the mall, or the park, I do get to see them everyday.  I get to tuck them in at night.  There are so many things I still get to do.  I can't live each day feeling sorry for myself.

Without the pain and misery, there would be no compassion.  Pain is where we learn it from.  You don't have to feel the pain yourself.  I don't just feel my pain.  I feel the pain of others.  I have friends who suffer more then I do.  And if it was possible, I would gladly take on their pain for them.  It would lower my ability to live life, but it would someone else have the chance.

I have so much more on this I want to say.  And I will be back later to write more.  But, it's 3pm and I need to get a start on dinner.

Look around you.  Make a difference.  Don't wait for something big to jump out at you.  Talk to the loner at work.  Offer someone part of your lunch.  Just give a stranger a kind smile.  God doesn't expect us to take on the world.  He expects us to do what we can.  To not hold ourselves back.  Get out there.  What are you waiting for?

Signed,

Super Mom

Barely Hanging On

My days and nights seem to blur together anymore.  My back pain is just getting worse.  Seems that surgery I had back in May was nearly a waste.  Sure, it got rid of my leg pain.  However, my back pain is even worse now then before the surgery.

Last night and this morning was terrible.  I'm not sure what time it was, but I woke during the night and screamed.  I had a very intense spasm of pain shoot down my back.  It felt like someone took a searing hot poker to me.  The very intense part only last about 30 seconds, but the left over pain last until I passed out.  Then Laney (our dog) woke me up at 5:30am.  Wish she hadn't.  Made me realize how bad I was hurting.  My body was stiff with pain.  So I had to waddle my way to the kitchen for some water to take pain meds.  Which was difficult because we had no water yesterday or today.

My pain levels got a little better around 10am.  Then again, having no running water, I didn't have any cleaning to do (well, none that I could do without water).  Of course right around that time the twins became turds.  I had to keep chasing them around the house.  Put new diapers on because they kept stripping.  Cleaning up their mess from peeing all over the place.  Oh and the walk around the neighborhood to find the park manager to discuss the water issue.

Come 1pm, I was hurtin' bad all over again.  Thankfully that's when the boys were taking their nap and I was able to crawl into bed.  Brandyn was nice and said he'd keep an ear out on them for me.  Normally I nap on the couch.  But my back was hurting too much for that.  They woke up before my alarm went off (2 hours later) but Brandyn let me get that extra sleep.  He said it was only another 10 minutes before my alarm would go off anyway, so he didn't mind.  That was great.

Evening went by quickly.  We had sandwiches for dinner since there is no water to cook with now.  After that I spoke with some parents, gave Josie a wet wipe bath (gross!) and then did the same to the twins.  Once everyone was settled for bed, I did the same, crawled into my bed.

That's pretty much it.  I hope I wake up to my alarms.  Today I didn't hear them until 6:56am.  One alarm is set for 6:15, the other for 6:45.  One is next to my head (1st alarm) and the other across the room (so I won't be tempted to crawl back in bed).  Still I slept through them.  I do have a 3rd alarm, on my cell.  It's set for 7am.  If I reach that one then I have to rush out of bed.  The girls can't be up any later then 7am or we're late getting out the door.

Ok ok, I'm done.  Going to check WUAH one last time and crash.

Signed,
Super Mom

No One Knows

It's 9am.  I want to climb back in bed.  My back pain is really getting to me today.  I don't have any fancy or fun ways to describe it.  It just hurts.  A lot.

No one understands how much pain I live in.  My husband can't even understand.  He doesn't get why I'm always so exhausted.  I keep busy all day long.  Even on my bad days.

Today is one of my awful bad days.  I can't do it today.  I'm not doing any cleaning.  Lots needs to be done.  But I just can't do it.

Ok, I can't think of anything else to say.  James is gone hunting right now.  Boys are digging in stuff.

Signed,
Super Mom

Who's the Bully?

I am way beyond a supporter of Anti-bullying.

Actually, in a way I'm probably a bully myself.  I'll admit that.  Like when I stand at the (school) bus stop every morning and make the older kids wait for the younger ones before boarding the bus.  So, if doing something like that makes me a bully, well, someone has to protect the kids.

Josie is being bullied.  It's not *too* serious yet.  Right now kids are making fun of her, calling her names and digging in her book bag.  But no one is doing anything about it.  I called the school, but apparently they are too busy to deal with something so "minimal that is only occurring on the bus".

Spoke with her bus driver this afternoon.  That seemed pointless.  His only response was "maybe she should just stay away from the bigger kids" and that she should "just sit closer to the front".  Are you fucking kidding me??  I realize there isn't too much he can do.  But he can still do *something*.  Keep an eye on things.  Offer to talk with the other kids.  Report it to the school.  Make sure Josie has a seat available away from the older kids.  Ugh!

Her school is not going to like me.  Today Josie came home crying about it.  She told me that some kids ripped her homework and kept calling her names.  They better stop this soon.  If not, they'll soon see just what Momma Bear can be like.  It's not right that kids 13-15 years old are bullying a 5 year old.

Time to make a plan.

Signed,
Super Mom

Another Cold One, Please!

No hesitation on sharing the snot-cicles.  Can't believe just last week it was in the 80's.  And this week has been miserable!  Today reached a grand high of 46.  So not right.  I have to walk in that everyday!

The day started rather hectic.  Josie managed to pee her pants again.  I'm not sure what is up with that girl.  But it's pissing me off.  She's 5 years old, and is well potty trained.  So, had to fix that problem.  Then I realized we didn't do her homework last night.  My own fault there for not making her.  But again, on came a storm.  She did some screaming, threw a few things around, but eventually finished it.

Then the freezing walk to the bus stop.

Then the walk home.

Day was pretty normal.  Chanced the twins.  They took off their diapers.  Peed on the walls, pooped on the floors (yes, the twins haha).  Usual daily stuff.

It's now after 6pm and I'm being lazy.  Making James cook dinner.  I'm tired of cooking and doing dishes.  Why do people think Mom's should do it all?  Stay at home parents are more busy then people work out of the home.  We don't get breaks.  And should I dare to enjoy a cup of coffee in silence, I'm just punishing myself.  Something is bound to go wrong before the first sip.

I need a serious vacation.  I'm thinking I'll run away to the Amazons.  Anyone want to tag along?  I'm pretty sure I could hide from the kids for several days there.  The husband might find me within a couple days if I'm not careful.

Signed
Super Mom

Oh So Tired

I don't think there is enough coffee in the world to wake me up today.  I hard got any sleep last night.  Partly my own fault.  Stayed up chatting online with a friend until 1am.  Doesn't help I was mostly awake waiting for pain medicine to kick in enough to allow me some comfort.

Not like sleep arrived once the lights were out.  My entire body was exhausted but my mind wouldn't shut down.  It's like popcorn kernels.  Starts off with one small thought, then slowly over time more and more start coming up.  Before you know it, you don't remember which thought started the vicious circle and it just keeps going.

No clue what time I fell asleep.  Was after 2am though.  Then my husband decides somewhere around 4:30am, he wants sex.  I didn't give him any.  I was in a way bitchy mood.  He just kept groping and I just kept wanting to murder him.  I didn't make his advances easy either.  Nor did I let on that I was awake.  I'd have a leg crossed this way and he'd keep trying to nudge it over with his.  I just laid there totally stiff.  I was so not in the mood for sex.  Last thing on my mind lately.  I just wanted SLEEP!

And he thought it would be fun to keep this up for the next 40 minutes.  It's like uh, hello?  If nothing happened in the first 10 minutes, go jerk yourself off already.  I don't get that about him.  He seems to think if he gropes and fondles me for hours on end I'll eventually "roll over" and explain "oh yes F*ck me now!".  Sorry babe, never happens that way.  Never has.  Why would you think years later, after trying that trick nearly every night, that it would suddenly have a good outcome?

So of course I'm sure he went to work in a pissy mood.  Will probably be in one when he gets home.  Do I care?  Hell no I don't.  His own fault for being so retarded.  Oh and I just love when he turns on some porn. As if it'll get me all hot and horny.  Maybe I'm supposed to see it's on and react as "oh my husband is saying he wants sex.  I must uphold my wife roles and give him what he wants.".  Yeah right.  Not this woman.

Oh well.  I'm never going to have my perfect night of sleep.  At least I managed a short nap.  Was a little over an hour long.  Would have loved it more if it was closer 3-4 hours long.

Ok need to go create my WIC list.  I love taking advantage of that.  Who doesn't love free milk?  That shit is nearly $5 for a single gallon.

Signed,
Super Mom

Not Going to Bother

Anyone that knows me, knows that blogging is not my thing.  But here I am, 4 months after my last post.

This Super Mom just can't keep up.

Twins are getting big.  Why do we say that?  Are they going to be smaller today then they were a year ago??  So let's rephrase--Twins are growing well and on target.

Josie is still a spoiled brat.  Doubt that will ever change.  She's going to give some man hell when she's older  and married.  We've had some improvements with her eating habits.  She'll now wrinkle her nose at honey peanut butter, but quickly lick the spoon clean when you're not looking.  Just last night she discovered her love for chewing up Tinkerbelle.  Gummi vitamins people.

Have you seen Tinkerbelle??  Too much glitter for my taste.  Here let me serve it up---Who ordered the fairy plate?  It's composed of wild tree leaves topped with glitter.

No thanks.

Speaking of miniature appetizers.  I've changed birth controls.  Why is it called that?  You're not preventing birth.  Nothing in there to birth.  Just call it Hormonal Balance Enhancer.  No no no.  Pregnancy Control.  Hmm...pregnancy preventer?  Ok ok.  I started taking Seasonique.  I'm doing ok with it so far.

Stupid bitch Aunt Flo is keeping her distance.  Tired of cleaning up her damn messes.  She's certainly helping to keep the tampon companies in business that's for certain.

Ok not getting anything done.  My prescribed mood enhancer is kicking in.  And I feel like eating some fruit loops.

Until next time--
Super Mom

Her First Day

My little Miss Josephine has started summer school. I can't believe how big she's getting. In August she'll officially be in Kindergarten. She got on that bus this morning like it was something she's been doing for years already. Probably helped that she had her big sister Tori with her. And a few friends she knows from the neighborhood.

I'm just so proud of her. I didn't receive a single phone call (which just added to my sadness--really means she's growing up). When she came home she was full of grins and told me all about her day. This is going to be a fun month for us all. Her gone at school, and then just me and the twins at home.

I Survived

Well, I survived my surgery. Was terrible, but I made it. I woke up to some weird tube coming out my back. It was draining blood, just so weird never seen something like that before. They had me on a morphine drip while there. That was nice. Every 8 minutes I was allowed a dose of the good stuff.

The worst part, ugh I don't even know. Probably when I had to pee. They wanted me to use a bed pan. How does anyone ever do that?? I just couldn't. I tried, and failed. I just couldn't pee while laying down. No matter how hard I tried. I mean, I felt like I would burst, but couldn't get it out.

The other fun part was my blood pressure. It was amazingly low. Which is why I was being forced to use a bed pan (they did let me use a toilet, after I did tons of crying each time). I felt fine, but they didn't believe me. So they kept forcing more fluids in me. which just caused it to lower even more.

My mother in law is driving me crazy. She's acting like I can't still be a parent. She refuses to follow our routines. Just because I can't pick up the babies does NOT mean I can't let her know how things are done. And James just keeps telling me to let it go. Yeah, so not easy.

Oh well, I'm tired and hurting. Going back to bed.

Save the Date

Just wanted to quickly post an update. They finally called me back with a date. My surgery is to be May 12th. I can't believe it will be so soon. No time to prepare. I won't have much help. My mom of all people won't be here. She's too busy with other things in life. And I don't have local friends to help me out afterwards. James will only be home for that weekend then back to work he goes.

Well, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully everything works out. Oh by the way, my after surgery help will be my mother-in-law. Have I mentioned she's overweight, diabetic, and nearly blind? I'm not sure how much help she can be. I'm not sure how long I can survive around her. I love her, but I can't stand her more then a couple days. She's planning to stay for at least a week.

Please save me.

No Other Choice

Seems I've run out of options. I'm so tired of dealing with the pain and physical therapy is a joke. I leave that place in even more pain. I made the call today to move forward with the surgery. Now I'm just waiting for them to call me back with the date.

I'm rather nervous about it. The doctor did tell me the only thing it would fix is my leg pain. Which is to include the pain in my ankle. I'm really hoping it will help with my back also. It's so rough to not be able to get down on the floor and play with my kids.

Ugh, the waiting game. Who ever likes that?

Signed

Super Mommy

Field Trip to Recycle Center

Ok, I must be the worst parent ever lol. Today Tori had a feel trip to some sort of recycle center. They sent home a notice telling us to make sure she packed a lunch for that day, and to please pack things that were recyclable. So, I packed her a lunch. It was packed inside a brown paper bag. It included a sandwich packed inside a plastic sandwich container (the paper said no plastic baggies). Then I sent a snack size package of craisins, a fiber one bar (she loves these things) and an apple juice in a cardboard type box.

Yeah, the only thing she had that she could recycle was the paper bag! LOL She told me the rest went to landfill. Can't believe I sent my little girl with "trash". I thought for sure that at least the juice box could be recycle.

It's not too easy to find snacks that are in a package that can be recycled. Someone please direct me to the recycle aisle please. My daughter told me I need to be more earth friendly.

Oh well, better luck next time.

And She's Gone

Well, yesterday was officially Nicole's last day here. She tried acting all sad, but I didn't go for it. And when she hugged me goodbye, I didn't hug her back.

I know that was very immature and mean. But you know what, I wanted her to know what it felt like. I was so sick of the way she kept treating me. Oh well, let her birth mother have fun with all that. They were made for each other.

I've been trying to explain to Josie, that Nicole is not coming back. So far she seems un-phased by it and just keeps asking if she can sleep on her (Nicole's) bed. It's kinda sad really. Of course I told Josie yes she could sleep there. But made she to keep explaining she would not see Nicole again.

It's so sad. The three youngest kids will grow up not knowing her. Wow, I just realized we don't even have a picture of her on the wall. Not on purpose though. Miles had knocked it down (along with a few other pictures) and I just haven't got around to putting it back up. As it stands, Nicole isn't even allowed to come over to visit on the weekends. She caused too much stress.

Now, I"m not the only one with these feelings. James (her dad) feels the same way. In fact, it was his idea to send her to live with her mom. Not mine. I was looking for other solutions. I even suggested a summer at my mom's. This way, it was just a couple months. Plus it would be during summer vacation. Of course, he didn't go for that idea. He thinks my parents are too weird. Can't blame him there lol.

She will be missed. I just hope one day she wakes up and realizes that I was there by her side all along.

Spine Surgeon Update

Well, I went for the appointment I've waiting for. I don't know how I feel about it. He was nice about it all, but I just, I don't know.

He took some xrays of my back, which I expected. He told me what was wrong with it, which I already knew about. He told me I have 5 choices for treating my back-

1. Live with it and deal with the pain
2. Epidural Injections
3. Neuropathic Medicines
4. Physical Therapy
5. Surgery

I've already done options 1, 2 and 3. I don't want to jump right into surgery. Yet, I don't want to wait months on end to see if it would help. I decided to try PT first. Maybe I'll get lucky. He did tell me that if I changed my mind at any point, to just call. They'll schedule my surgery without me having to come back in. Even if I changed my mind before I even made it home, I could call and do surgery.

The doctor did make me cry. God I felt like a fool for that. It just came out of no where, he wasn't even being mean. He asked to see my teeth and I fell apart lol. Just instantly. He really was being polite about it though. Said he just wanted to see how bad they were. Apparently bad teeth can cause back pain. I'm not making that connection, but whatever. He told me it would be a risk to do surgery without having my teeth fixed first. Having an infection or abscess in my teeth could travel to my spine and cause an infection in my back during surgery.

He didn't say he'd refuse to do the surgery. But that I needed to be aware of those risks.

As if I haven't tried getting them fixed. Last time I seen a dentist, he wanted $3000 up front before he would even do the first bit of work on my teeth. And that was only part of what it would cost.

I don't know, that's a whole other topic.

Been a While

Nothing too exciting has happened since I was gone past 2 weeks. Still having problems with Nicole. She ran away from home and had child services called on me. Very long story there, and won't get into it now. But it ended well, as far as child services is involved. The lady deemed us a safe home and left. Thank God. As a result of everything from her, she is moving back in with her mom. The date is set, April 9th. And sadly, yes, I am counting down the days. I just can't handle her stress anymore. No one can.

Josie lost a tooth. Another one is working its way out. She's letting them fall out naturally. Well sorta. With this second one, not so much. Earlier, she decided to stick a connector to a glow stick over the tooth. Yeah well it sorta got stuck, she freaked and yanked it off. In the process it really pulled on the tooth. So, tooth fairy will probably be making a visit again in the next few days.

We're still having problems with ants. Finally spent money on Terro. It better do it's job. I put some traps in the main bath next to the hole the ants keep spilling from. Checked it 10 minutes later and the ants were all over. I wanted to vomit. I nearly washed them all away. I so hate the waiting process of this. I also put some in the master bath. OMG I didn't realize we had so many in there. They are living in the shower door railing. It was so gross watching them. when I first put a dab of the bait (yeah I poured some out of the trap lol), there were only a couple ants out. Less then 30 seconds later they were piled so close together it was the size of a half dollar.

They better go away. I'm tired of them.

I'm just tired in general. Days are moving are so slow anymore. Think it's because I'm waiting on the 6th. That's when I go see the spine surgeon and figure out how to fix my back.

Oh well. More chattering laters.

Come on Spring!

The weather has been so off and on. One day it's beautiful, then next it's freezing again. Totally lame to have 3 days of weather in the 70's and then fall down to 30's.

But, we make the best of the warm weather! The girls have been soaking up all the sun I'll let them have. And I've been loving that. Seems to knock them out earlier. Awesome anyway you look at it. I get to head to bed sooner because I'm not staying up all night with them. And they pass out early because they played so hard.

I can't wait until the warm weather is here to stay. I"m so ready to plant my garden. I love flowers! Last year I didn't get to do much. More I was just too lazy to do all the digging. But this year I have a plan. Going to recycle the sand box. Kids don't know to take care of it anyways.

Not much has been happening. Nicole is still being her normal self. Stealing whatever she can get her hands on. And she just doesn't care who it belongs too. Last night I forgot to lock up the twins' snacks, next morning I found she had the box under her pillow...And it was empty. It's so sad that she steals even from a baby (literally, they are just a year old).

This girl is stressing me out way too much. And it doesn't help with my pain either. I just don't know what to do with this girl anymore. Nothing helps. And I'm all out of ideas.

Bleh. I'm off. Toodles.

Josie's Birthday Party

Well, we had Josie's birthday party. It wasn't exactly what she wanted. But, for the moment she was happy. We got her a cookie cake, seemed ideal since the actual cakes are never eaten all the way and half is tossed in the trash. And it was a good decision. Most was eaten, and only one piece was tossed out (I forgot it was hiding in the non working microwave lol). She loved the colors and was tickled about the butterfly.

We got her 3 presents. A big La La Loopsy doll. Those things are weird. She loves them though and has been asking for one since they came out. Sadly, Santa did not bring her one. So, the birthday fairy made up for that. A few weeks ago she bought herself a miniature la la loopsy with the money she got in the mail for her birthday from Wish Upon a Hero. These dolls are NOT cheap. She was so happy to see a big one in her birthday bag.

She also got another small la la loopsy. Now she has 2 that can ride the ferris wheel she bought. Again, another hit gift. She plays with them everyday.

And her 3rd gift was a big gold fish. She FREAKED OUT when she seen this one lol. She's so excited to have her very own pet fish. She asks several times a day if she can feed it. I have to keep reminding her, just once a day. Hoping she'll learn that one soon. Gets annoying after a while.

Anywho, here's a few pictures from the small party we had for her.

The BIG 5!

Bella, the gold fish.

Josie's enjoying her cookie cake. She was not moving away from her new fish lol. It was so cute. Even the twins wanted to stand up there and look.

The small la la loopsy she got to add to her collection. Can you see her excitement?

The big la la loopsy. Had problems getting her to be still so I could take the picture lol.

La la loopsy out of the box, holding the butterfly that came with the doll. Be warned, these dolls are a little on the heavy side. As the head is a big ball of hard plastic and is not hollowed out like most dolls are.

Over all, it didn't go too bad. She got some other presents too in the mail. So that made it even more great.

What is her deal?!

I'm getting so tired of Nicole. She's our 16 year old daughter. And has the WORST attitude ever. Yeah I know all teenagers need an attitude adjustment. But she needs a major one. She won't stop stealing. And she steals everything, from small items like pencils, to food and money. I don't get it. You can spend an hour getting on to her for it and then bam she does it again.

Tori came to me today complaining there were ants in her room. So I followed the trail and found 3 empty soda cans. Nicole stole them, then hid the evidence in her room. Did she think we wouldn't find them? I mean, come on. It's no secret we have ant problem in this house.

I've finally done what I've been praying I wouldn't have to do. I have locks on the cabinets and a pad lock on the fridge. A tool box is locked up and has things like personal electronics (ds, mp3 players etc) and any money anyone has. I shouldn't have to do this. But she just doesn't get it, and she doesn't care either.

Ugh!! Someone find me a pill that fixes stupid already.

Purple Day

Have you ever heard of Purple Day? It's a day dedicated to wearing purple. Now you're probably wondering why wear purple? And why should we make a fuss about it?

The color purple symbolizes Epilepsy Awareness. It's such a terrible disease that gets little recognition. It's known as the silent killer. So one day of the year, you are encouraged to wear purple, and wear it proud. Get others involved.

One way is to ask the local schools to encourage students to wear purple to school that day (and if Purple Day is on a non school day, then wear purple on the last school day before the event). No, you don't have to look like Barney the dinosaur to show your support. Add a purple ribbon to your shoelaces. Add a ribbon to your bracelet, in your hair tie, on your book bag. The variations are endless. Just let it be seen.

Will you be joining me on Purple Day?

She's Getting So Big

I can't believe how big my baby girl is getting. It's crazy. In just a few days she'll be turning 5 years old. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday she was still this tiny mystery person that had me afraid to let her go. Even today, I'm holding onto her hand. She's so spontaneous and full of life. Her imagination amazes me everyday. And she's so smart! She is definitely my bundle of joy, my life, my reason for waking up each morning. I'd be lost without my Sunshine.

She still doesn't have any friends. And I feel bad for that. My poor Sunshine is stuck at home everyday with me and her twin brothers. But, she doesn't really complain. Lately though, she has been talking about her "friends". Whom's names are Macaroni, Door, Light and Cutey. It saddens me that she is naming objects and not people. But not much I can do about that. The kids in the neighborhood speak Spanish, and I do not. I keep praying things will change with that.

I know they will once school starts. OMG, school. I want that day, yet I don't. I'm going to have a hard time with letting her on the bus. It's going to make me face reality that she isn't really a baby anymore. It means it will be time to share her with others. I just don't think I'm ready for that step. Then again, are we ever fully ready for that?

Her birthday is March 11th. She keeps talking about how all her friends are coming to her party. It makes me want to cry. There will be no friends coming over. There are no kids to invite. None. And she is going to be so disappointed. She does know what a birthday party is. Tori just had her's not too long ago, and had 4 friends over. Josie wants to enjoy that same thing. I thought of just having Tori's friends over, but that won't go well. They would just ignore Josie. And I think that would be even worse for her.

Please pray I find a way to make my Sunshine's birthday extra special.

Wish Upon A Hero

We all know about wish upon a star. Who hasn't done such a thing? Remember how hopeful we were as kids. The moment you noticed a shooting star, you quickly cried out your wish for a new toy. Or for mommy and daddy to be famous. Something childish. Only at the time you thought it was the greatest thing ever.

Or if you managed to see the north star. I can't remember how many times I found that North Star and thought to myself "oh yay I found it!". Of course I always make childish wishes. That my stepmom was nicer. That I had bigger breasts (yes, even when I was 10 I still wished on those stars).

Now, you don't need to wish on a star to make them come true. There's a place you can go to make a wish, and a hero will find you. No, this isn't some sort of scam. It's all real.

Remember that post I made about the cards Tori received? I made a wish for those. I wished that people from all over would send her a birthday card. I wanted her to feel special and loved. The results? An overwhelming response. All strangers. Taking time from their day to be a birthday hero.

It's not just for cards. You can wish for anything. No wish is too big or too small. I remember at the beginning of winter my electric blanket burned out. My bedroom doesn't get very warm and the heat doesn't work so great in here. We were already using space heaters in the kids' rooms. So no way was I adding to that bill. I made a wish for a new electric blanket. Not even a week later, I received my hero. Some kind stranger spent THEIR money to grant my wish, and kept me warm. I'll never forget her.

Perhaps you need help with a bill? Maybe you just need a little extra cash to take your kids for ice cream. Maybe you need help getting your prescriptions. It's endless.

This place is called Wish Upon A Hero. I dare you to check it out. Can you be someone's hero? Do you have an extra postage stamp and some paper? If so, you too can be a hero! Some people think they need to be made of money to make someone's wish come true. But that's not that case.

Did you know you could be a hero just by offering someone a My Coke Rewards Code? Or even just sending them an email! Wish Upon A Hero (WUAH) has a category for everyone!

Do you have a wish? Have you always wanted to make a difference but never knew how?

Here's your chance. What are you waiting for?